A Little Standardized Testing Humor

This was originally published in March of 2009. At the time, the author was unknown. Recently, the author of this great piece, Tammy Beauchamp Cohen, contacted me with this lovely note: 

"I just saw something I wrote five or more years ago on a blog of yours from 2009. It's called "FCAT Directions for Eating a Donut." Needless to say, I'm very excited to see it online. I sent it to a friend originally who then forwarded it, which is why it's not attributed to anyone. Anyway, I think it's great that it is out there. It's cool to be published even if it is anonymous."

Since it's now summer and educators are more likely to have a sense of humor about all the testing madness, I thought this was worth a reprint. 

Enjoy!

TEACHER:
"Today you will be eating a donut. Remove all materials from your desk except a No. 2 napkin. If you do not have a No. 2 napkin, please raise your hand and I’ll give one to you.

Hand out napkins to the students.

The glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle you are about to eat is a sweet donut; therefore, certain rules must be followed to protect the integrity of the glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle. You may not have any electronic or recording devices, such as cell phones, pagers, or electronic games, at your desk, even if you don’t use them. Possession of any electronic device that reproduces, transmits, calculates or records the glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle may be cause for invalidation.

Hand out the donuts to the students.

The only materials on your desk should be your No. 2 napkin and your glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle. Look at the hole in the middle of your donut. We need to be sure the hole is in the proper place and that there are no missing or upside down holes. Starting with the right side of your donut, check all the way around your donut until you get to the right side of your donut again. If there are any problems, raise your hand. If not, put the donut down and sit quietly.

Wait until all students are finished. If there are any defective donuts, eat them immediately.

Now you’re going to eat the glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle. You’ll have ten minutes to eat your donut completely. You must not use your feet to eat your donut, but you may use your hands, fingers, and mouths, if you find it helpful. Look at the back of your donut. You’ll see the back of your glazed Krispy Kreme disk-shaped donut with a hole in the middle. This is where you’ll put your teeth. Try to eat your whole donut. Please remember while eating your donut you MUST NOT:

• Eat anyone else’s donut
• Make loud slurping sounds
• Look at another person’s donut
• Have napkins other than No.2 napkins
• Have electronic or recording devices even if you do not use them.

Please raise your hand if you have any questions.
When you have finished your donut and licked your fingers, put your napkin in the trashcan. Then you must sit and stare at everyone until they are finished.
Please raise your hand if you have any questions.
Remember, you have 10 minutes to eat your donut. I will tell you when you have 2 minutes left.
You may begin eating."

Authored by Tammy Beauchamp Cohen.


One serious note: In Florida, our teachers are required to read scripts to their students exactly like the above. Deviating from the script can result in test invalidation. I'm curious if other states require their teachers to read scripts such as this, as well.